by Rev. Terry Davis
Delivered at Northwest Unitarian Universalist Congregation
on October 12, 2014
For those of you that are in love with someone else . . . or think you may be in love now, I have a questionnaire for you. Developed by the nonprofit organization “Love is Respect,” the following quiz attempts to uncover whether your relationship is safe, supportive and healthy . . . or whether it’s actually harmful to your well-being.
Here are a few questions. After each, think about whether you would respond “Often”, “Sometimes” or “Never.” Are you ready?
Okay . . . here we go:
- The person I am with is very supportive of the things I do and encourages me to try new things.
- The person I’m with likes to listen when I have something on my mind.
- He or she talks to me when they’re unhappy about something in the relationship.
- Is willing to compromise.
- Understands that we have separate interests and can spend time apart.
- Is mean or rude to my friends.
- Gets extremely jealous or possessive.
- Blames me for problems, puts me down, calls me names or criticizes me.
- Makes me feel like no one else would want me.
These are just a few of the questions on the quiz. There are about 10 more. Interestingly, none of them ask anything about the other person’s appearance, hobbies, ethnicity, education or other factors we tend to scrutinize when determining our compatibility in a potential spouse or life partner.
It’s a quiz that strictly focuses on a person’s behavior – nothing more – as a key determinant of the relationship’s health and potential for success.
For me, the questionnaire’s point is clear: loving relationships are, above anything else, about treating each other with mutual respect. They involve acting in ways that build trust and communication and encourage individual growth. They feel safe, they feel supportive, and they feel right for both individuals.
Doesn’t everyone deserve a relationship like that? Of course! This is why the ban on same-sex marriage in Georgia and in roughly 20 other states is so ridiculous. The criteria for a healthy relationship – and certainly a healthy marriage – should boil down to being able to answer two simple questions: “Do the two persons love and respect one another?” and “Can they build a life together based on mutual trust and a commitment to communication and growth?”
Sexual orientation – while obviously important to the two persons who want to get married – should make no difference to anyone else. Unfortunately, it still does.
We still have folks like Gerald Harris, a Baptist pastor and editor of the newspaper the Christian Index, who don’t understand the difference between love and hate. In Friday’s editorial section of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Harris refers the few and taken-out-of-context biblical teachings to justify his attack on same-sex marriage. And, he accuses people today of having “individualized moral menus.”[ref]“Living in an Era of Individualized Moral Menus,” J. Gerald Harris, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Op-Ed, October 10, 2014.[/ref]
“When we have a ‘whatever-I’m feeling’ morality,” Harris writes, “the individual becomes the authority over the government, over the laws of the land, the church, the Bible and even God. Without some kind of moral compass, the tendency is toward anarchy.” Harris believes – as still so many do – that same-sex relationships are immoral and that the growing momentum among more states to legalize them is the moral undoing of our society.
Well, thank goodness not everyone thinks like Rev. Harris.
Some of us believe that the baseline for determining what is right and what is wrong in our society shouldn’t be religious dogma. Rather, we believe that the moral compass of a society should be guided by love – a love that is compassionate, inclusive and has the aim of achieving the greatest good at its center.
As Atlanta celebrates its 44th Pride this weekend – and as many of you join me this afternoon to march in the parade that celebrates the worth and dignity of all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons – we can take heart. We can take heart in knowing that the moral compass in our country is getting a little more in alignment thanks to love . . . and to an inclusive understanding of the 14th amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
As many of you know, the U.S. Supreme Court earlier this week refused to hear cases challenging circuit court rulings that same-sex marriage bans were unconstitutional. Following the Court’s decision, same sex marriages became legal in North Carolina and Idaho on Friday, bringing the number of states that have marriage equality now to 29.
While there is still work to do, the signs are that more Americans seem to recognize that the current laws are unloving and unconstitutional.
Gallup puts support for marriage equality at 55 percent, which is a15 point increase from just five years ago. According to a poll conducted by ABC News and The Washington Post, 77 percent of adults under age 30 now favor marriage equality. Forty percent of Republicans now support marriage for gay and lesbian couples, while the number of Catholics supporting marriage has grown to 62 percent, according to The New York Times.
Of course, we shouldn’t be satisfied with these numbers. While things are thankfully changing for gays and lesbians seeking the right to marry, there is still a lot of work to do for all LGBT persons to create a society with love at the center and enables everyone to live with pride.
For example, there is still much understanding needed in our society about bisexuality and the ongoing discrimination of bisexual persons. Many bisexual persons deal with the stigma that their romantic or sexual attraction to both men and women is “just a phase” and that they will eventually make up their minds on whether they’re really interested in one gender or the other.
This black & white thinking about sexuality – that we must only be attracted to either men or women – is rooted in a culture that is more comfortable with labels and clear-cut boundaries. Bisexuality, on the other hand, invites us all to consider that one’s sexuality and even gender expression is more likely experienced along a continuum. We can be more attracted to the opposite sex, for instance, but the possibility of same-sex attraction may also exist for us.
Similarly, we still have a long way to go to ensure that transgender persons have full and equal rights in our society. Elizabeth’s story about the Princess Boy, for example, raises the transgender topic of non-conforming gender behavior.
How do we really feel when we see someone who doesn’t neatly fall into our rigid male and female categories for dressing and behaving? Does it make us uncomfortable to see a man wearing makeup, clothing and accessories? Or to see a woman who doesn’t dress or behave “like a lady?”
In a letter to Dear Abby this past week, a straight man from a certain southwestern state asked Abby’s opinion on what she thought of him wearing light blue nail polish. Abby responded, “I think that for an adult heterosexual male to wear light blue nail polish in public in the great state of Texas shows he is not only a trendsetter but also has a lot of guts.”[ref]“More Than Just the Stars Shine Brightly in Texas,” Jeanne Phillips, The Atlanta-Journal Constitution, October 10, 2014.[/ref]
So, what are we to think of all these differences among us? Atlanta’s Pride invites us to celebrate them. We celebrate men who love men, women who love women . . . and persons who love both men and women. Pride encourages us to affirm persons who want to authentically live as the gender they believe they are – male, female, or as someone who is both or neither.
And, perhaps most importantly, Pride invites us to ask questions about ourselves. While Pride may be focused on LGBT persons, I believe it offers all of us an opportunity to look within . . . at who we are and where fear may be preventing us from truly creating a beloved community where everyone is welcome.
May we go from here encouraged by the gains we are making to fully enfranchise gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons in our country. Let’s remain vigilant in examining our own prejudices and engage in conversation and education to help us move past our misconceptions.
And, as liberal religious persons, let’s continue to stand on the side of love for all of those persons in our society who still feel the weight of oppression and need our voices, our energy and our commitment.
May it be so. Amen.