Church, to me, is really about community and acts of service. And a big part of this, of course, is how we treat each other. And while I think we all have good intentions, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. This happened to me recently. Several months ago I found myself feeling a lot of anger and frustration. But if you would have asked me why, I’m not sure I would have been able to verbalize it clearly. All I know is I dreaded coming on Sundays. There are so many people here who I love, but I was feeling too much anger to nurture most of those relationships. So I decided to pull away for a while.
You see, I believe that our Covenant of Right Relations is not only about how we hold each other accountable, it is also how we hold ourselves accountable. It’s about knowing when to engage, when to pull away, when to reflect, and when to move forward. In the past, when I have encountered difficult situations or felt strong emotions, I have run away. My therapist says it’s a natural biological response – to fight or flee. And I definitely have a tendency to flee. When things get tough, I hit the road, and I don’t look back.
But this time was different. I couldn’t not look back. I am tethered to this place. And instead of simply running, I started to reflect. Why was I feeling the way I was feeling? Where was the anger coming from? What was triggering me?
In her book Awakening the Buddha Within, Lama Surya Das writes about Right Thoughts or Right Intentions. She explains that to have Right Intentions, we must seek “to purify our attitudes and thoughts – to become totally straightforward and honest with ourselves – and, in so doing, to develop a working loving-kindess, empathy, and compassion toward all creatures.” To become totally straightforward and honest with ourselves. This is hard to do, though, because as she further notes, “self-absorption rules everyone’s thoughts and intentions.” In other words, everything we see or read or hear is filtered through our own personal concerns. And our natural selfishishness often prevents us from thinking clearly and responding to events or people with an unconditional and loving heart.
The truth is I wasn’t being honest with myself. But self-reflection led me to a place where I could recognize that I was angry because I didn’t feel my values were being reflected here anymore. And so selfishly I shut down. But being part of a community means that I should be willing to confront my own anger and be open to talk about the issues. Yes, I was frustrated, am still frustrated, but a lot of people are frustrated. It’s no secret that there has been a lot of tension recently in Unitarian Universalism, and coincidentally, here at Northwest. I can only hope that as we work through everything, we remember to be honest with ourselves and respond to each other with loving hearts. That we seek to understand beyond our self-absorbed thoughts and intentions.
My actions were selfish, but I need that time for reflection, centering, and grounding. I needed to take a step back to take a step forward. And to me that is an important part of our covenant and an important part of being in a community. Knowing when to fight, knowing when to walk away, knowing when to listen, and knowing when to speak up.