by Neal Steffin
Delivered at Northwest Unitarian Universalist Congregation
on June 21, 2015
A few months ago I saw an image on facebook that said “If you can’t handle me randomly blurting out lyrics that relate to what you just said, we can’t be friends.” So when David and I volunteered to lead a service that had Friendship as a general theme, the iconic song from Toy Story, “You’ve Got a Friend in Me,” came into my mind. At the end of the song there are the lyrics:
And as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see it’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
That verse got me thinking about how I have seen my definition of friendship change over the years and specifically as I grow as a Unitarian Universalist.
Watching my sons grow up, it has been funny to me how quickly they formed new friendships or had a new best friend. We would go on vacation and start playing with some kids and I would get the question “Daddy, can I go do X with my friend?” My guess is that at their age, I did the same thing (and my Mom is here today so she could probably validate it). Friendship at that age is so simple. Find someone that shares some common interest and you are friends.
As I grew up, I do remember friendships serving different purposes. Some were situational, some were opportunistic, and some were conditional. It wasn’t until college that I really started forming unconditional friendships. As I look back as to why my friendships changed at that point, I think there were a lot of factors that combined together.
Six months before I left for college my family went through some horrible times that made me question a lot of who I was and what I believed. So as I boarded the plane to travel 1700 miles to a place where I knew no one, I was very much lost and almost starting college with a clean slate of self-definition.
One of the first unconditional friends I made was in the marching band with me. We bonded over a number of common areas of interest and experiences, but what was different for me was that our friendship didn’t have any ulterior motives. We could call each other to talk/complain/commiserate at any hour, even if it was a topic that we had hashed through in the past. I was going through a lot and he was there for me and I reciprocated that for him. As our relationship grew another distinction evolved, we didn’t hesitate to challenge each other on any topic. We would challenge each other’s beliefs, question direction, and decisions; not in a mean way, but in a way that was more about helping each other grow in our own ways and define our own truths.
A few years later I made another friend with similar qualities. She wasn’t afraid to challenge what I really wanted out of life, family, friends and more. She would me call out when one statement didn’t align to another. She challenged me and loved me unconditionally. And that is when I learned another type of friendship, the one that comes with love. So about 12 and a half years ago I married that friend. She and I haven’t stopped challenging each other since. And as we have both grown as UU’s we have enjoyed the opportunity to be a part of different groups in this congregation that we are proud to call friends. You have challenged me and helped me to define my beliefs and truths as a UU.
(image credit: “Toy Story” by Flickr user Rooners Toy Photography)